Hello guys,

I just wanted to share my story with people.

I am struggling with an eating disorder. I am not sure if it's anorexia or bulimia, or something else. I have body issues. Not to the point of "Body Dysmorphic Syndrome," or anything like that - I don't see fat where it is not, or vice versa, but I just feel ugly.

I have a terribly low self-esteem. I've been anywhere from starving myself, to gorging myself, and it doesn't have a logical explanation.

I was diagnosed with anorexia in march this year, after I dropped from 136 to 109 pounds, at 5'7". I cut down almost all food except citrus, apples, bananas, cucumbers, tomatoes, cabbage, bell peppers, skim cottage cheese, tuna, and a couple of other low calorie veg and fruit. I was eating 700 calories a day. I felt terribly cold and weak, I couldn't walk normaly, or even stand. I had these stupid voices in my head, calling me fat. I wasn't able to concentrate or speak normally or focus on something, and I felt so blurred and dizzy the whole time.

I was so obsessed, I still am. I've been recovering during these last months, no therapy or anything, just 'power of will'.

I say I eat like a pig now, even if I don't eat regular foods. I can binge, but on raw fruit only. If I eat ice-cream, it's a wasted day. I won't eat meat except chicken, only once or twice a week, and my diet is mainly raw veg and fruit, and some skim youghurt and cottage cheese with diet crisps.

But, I feel fat. Not to the point of feeling obese, just awfully ugly. Like there is no place for me on this planet. And there's this voice saying "lose,lose,lose".

I know how pathetic it sounds, but I can't actually top eating. I'll have like 4-5 servings of fruit at a meal, and eat until I feel full and fat like a pig. I don't eat fast food or anything calorically dense. I just eat loads of healthy, low low calorie stuff.

Still, I eat until I'm uncomfortably full, and I can't control it. And, I'm addicted to cofee, as it's the only thing that makes me not want to eat. I drink it after every 'meal', which is 3 big, double cups of instant cofee a day. A lot. But, it's so out of control.

I'm 117 pounds now and amenorrheic, hypotensive and stupid. I want to go back to restricting. But, I can't stop having tons of fruit. It's insane.